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Sixes (3/9/19)
I include two images here because on Friday I drew the Six of Cups for today. This morning, I drew the Six of Swords. I just made the connection that I drew two sixes. Interesting... According to affinitynumerology.com:
The numerology number 6 is a number of family, home, harmony, nurturing, and idealism. Its foundation is family and a harmonious home. 6 is also a number of healing, of nurturing. It takes its responsibilities seriously. The number 6 has an idea of what is ideal and prefers all in its vicinity to support that ideal and, together, achieve it. But more than that, it strives for a harmonious family relationship.
Wow, this really resonates with me. Thank you, affinitynumerology.com, this is actually pretty insightful.
Upon drawing it, I instantly recognized how the Six of Cups would be manifesting in my life this weekend. I'm not really close with my Dad at all. I wouldn't say that there is any animosity between us, we just don't really talk at all. We usually have to set aside time together, just to ensure that we actually talk. We hardly ever have real conversations, and it would be foolish to say that we are close (this does not mean that we don't love each other). I love my father very dearly, but there has always been awkwardness between the two of us. Unfortunately, this is pretty much all my fault, lol, as I was an angsty middle schooler, who did everything they could to distance themselves from their parents. My parents, god bless them, listened to me, and gave me the independence I desired. However, we never really salvaged that relationship (except for with my mom..... but only sort of...).
Anyways, the reason our hanging out is such a big deal is because my mom wanted me to talk with him about my gender, and express some of the things I've been talking with her about (basically that I am going to start doing things to transition). This is a TOUGH conversation to have, and although my parents are lovely and not very transphobic, they are still old, and a lot of me feels like they don't really get what I'm going through (although it's not like I understand what I'm going through, so it's a pretty big expectation to have). The thing is, my mom has spoken to my dad about my gender troubles, so for the first half hour of us hanging out, that topic was really looming above us.
I was optimistic, though. I understood via the Six of Cups that a harmonious resolution was within my reach, all I had to do was take advantage of the situation, which I think is where the Six of Swords came in. I always see the Six of Swords as taking action to overcome your emotional baggage, and guiding yourself into less turbulent waters.
In light of this, I've been doing things to calm my mind all day. I almost forgot to meditate, but I made sure I did. I began writing this blog, something which really helps me chill out. The Six of Swords is an interesting card, because it really is about taking control of your thoughts, and shifting your logic in order to bring about emotional wellbeing. This was totally relevant when I was talking to my dad. I had been doing pretty well for most of the day, and was actually excited about spending time with my dad, but about 20 minutes beforehand, my thoughts got super negative, almost for no good reason. My only choice was to be proactive, and guide myself in the right direction. When we eventually sat down for some sushi, and he asked me, somewhat pointedly I might add, "So... How are you doing?" I took the opportunity to sheepishly blurt out, "I'm really struggling right now." What followed was a semi-inchoerent mess of dysphoric experiences that I shared with him; he just sat there and listened for the most part, occasionally chiming in to remind me that labels are useless, and that I should take things step by step, rather than fixating on some sort of end goal. Good advice, although it does somewhat illustrate his ignorance to my situation.
I felt a lot better after that, and I was proud of myself for taking matters into my own hands, rather than having him awkwardly bring stuff up while I half-assed a response that I would ultimately regret. It totally was a Six of Cups moment! A harmonious time in our relationship if there ever was one. I really was sharing pieces of myself that I don't really feel comfortable talking about in my day to day life, except for on the internet. I felt like he was the little girl, and I was the guy handing her the cup (aka, the piece of myself). I guess the figure walking away could have been my mom, who is constantly setting up situations for us to become closer. Most of them are futile, but that could be why the figure in the card is walking away, because her work was done, and the desired outcome (me opening up to my father) was achieved.
I can still feel the Six of Swords, though. I'm currently struggling with my sobriety, and I'm actively reminding myself of why I'm doing this in the first place, and all the joy it will bring. When you aren't steering the ship, it's so easy to drift away in the riptide. There were a couple of moments today, especially in the evening, when I had to stop my subconscious from devising excuses for me to break my sobriety. I'm five days in.
As corny as it sounds, The Secret (aka, The Law of Attraction), as really helped me with sobriety. Visualizing myself talking to people with a triumphant grin, saying things like "Yeah, I've been sober for so long now, I can't even remember how long it's been..." has actually been VERY HELPFUL. Not going to lie, manifesting works, and I recommend that you check out The Secret on youtube (they have the whole movie up for free. I bought the book, which was a bad idea, because it's high-key really racist and exploits mad different cultures). Atti, if you're reading this, watch this movie. You're a creator; this will help you get stuff DONE. I've been using The Secret my whole life, even though I just read the book a few weeks ago. It really works. Never underestimate the power of love, optimism, and proactivity; it makes everything fall into place. Anxiety, and the negative beliefs you carry with you about yourself are your worst enemy.
Goodnight everybody. To be honest, I'm way too lazy to proofread any of this, so I hope it isn't too incoherent. There's a party tonight, but I don't think I'm going to go; it's too risky (in terms of my sobriety. Thank you Six of Swords for keeping me proactive).
Sleep tight!
-Lily
PS: take a metaphorical hit every time I say "incoherent" or "proactive." Hehe
I cant believe I'm too lazy to run this through grammarly. The spellchecker on this site is horrible.